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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

Help!! The beautiful, sweet gal I married has turned into a komodo dragon! She’s 7 months pregnant with our first (and maybe last!!) child and is either crying or cussing all day. I know women’s hormones go nuts when they’re pregnant, and she’s really uncomfortable and nervous about it all, but anything I do or say just seems to set her off. Yesterday she wanted a Coke and I had bought Pepsi, instead, and you would have thought I brought her a glass of raw sewage. She went off on a rant about how she hates Pepsi, how could I be so stupid to buy it, then starts crying and apologizes, then got mad again and went to the bedroom and slammed the door. So I ended up going out at 10 p.m. to go buy Coke.

 

I’m not sure how much more I can take!! Please tell me things will get better.

 

Signed,

In the Doghouse Again,

 

Dear Dog,

 

Welp, I’ve never spawned, so I can’t tell you things will get better, but I would imagine it might be around 18 or 20 years when the kid’s out of the house. But until then, I’m sure you can hang in there for a couple more months, as you live your life without carrying what weighs the same as The Great Pumpkin in your belly, sweating like a Gila monster every time you step outside and feeling the need to pee every 5 minutes.

 

That’s not to say it’s fun being in the line of fire when your wife loses control. Perhaps being a little proactive might help the situation—offering to rub her shoulders or feet when you see her struggling to get comfortable—help her chill out before the frustration starts to build. Her body is about to go through a LOT in the coming months—not only will she be truly miserable until she delivers, but the delivery is no fun, potential dragging on for hours, and long gone are the days when a woman would stay in the hospital for a week’s rest with a newborn, as did my mother. Today they catch the baby like a football, wrap it up, stick it in her arms and wheel her to your car with a hearty, ‘Good luck!’ as she then will be expected to feed, clean and dress baby multiple times during the day and night, completely sleep-deprived for months. Honestly, women deserve combat pay for this.

 

It’s not for the faint-hearted, but you will both get through it as millions do. In the meantime, deep breaths and, by all means, stand up for yourself by replying calmly when she explodes, “I know you’re not feeling well, but I didn’t deserve that. Please remember that this is all new for me, too.” Because while it’s understandable that she’s feeling terrible in all respects, it’s also understandable that common courtesy isn’t that much to ask.

 

Cheers, dear!

Aunty Pam