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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

Well, it looks like I’m in the doghouse with my wife. I came home from work last week, and Tammy not only gave me the cold shoulder but the whole snowman treatment. Turns out this gal she knows, ‘Ellie,’ told her after she got her hair done, that she hoped I would like it, because one time, when Tammy tried a new haircut, I told Ellie I didn’t like it.

I didn’t even remember saying it, but when my wife finally told me why she was mad, she said, “I don’t appreciate you going behind my back and telling Ellie you don’t like my hair!” Then she slammed the bedroom door shut and locked me out. So I called Ellie, and she was laughing and said, “Don’t you remember telling me when I asked you if you liked it when Tammy cut her hair off that you thought she looked like GI Joe?”

I barely remember it, it was like 20 years ago, but I didn’t think Ellie was a big mouth gossip and now I’m sleeping on the couch with two fat beagles.

Can you help me, please?

 

Signed,

Grumpy Hubby

 

Dear Hubs,

 

First of all, Ellie is a big-mouthed gossip and no friend of yours. She’s also not a true friend of Tammy’s, instigating this domestic turbulence.

But surely you know, after at least two decades together, that women have a secret Rolodex (how old is THAT reference!) that lives in the back of our brain, with every mistake our spouse has ever made, jotted down neatly and ready to be pulled out in a flash as an illustrated defense against any argument you have. It needs no uploading onto the ‘cloud,’ it hovers handily on deck, at the ready for:

“I just asked you if you like this swimsuit. I’d rather you look at ME at Myrtle Beach instead of that slutty brunette you stared at when we were in high school.”

“Don’t tell me you’re too tired to mow the lawn! You haven’t mowed it since May 6th!”

“I’m not the only one who spends money, you know! What about that mood ring you bought off TV?”

I wish I could give you a defense against it, but I can’t. It’s just one of those things in life that are patently unfair. For example, men are paid more than women for the same job, and look ‘distinctive’ as they age. Women earn less and don’t age as well, but we live, on average, seven years longer. And we’ll remind you of that every day until you pop your clogs, Hubs.

 

Cheers, dears!!

Aunty Pam