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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

My wife and I retired to a nice, pretty upscale development. We love our new home and the neighborhood, which has mature landscaping and leafy streets. It’s really perfect.

The only problem is the reaction we’re having to our decision to remove a water fountain and a series of birdhouses that were installed in our small front yard near the driveway. The fountain takes a lot of upkeep so that it stays clean, and the birdhouses were positioned so that our car windshields were getting splattered with bird poop. It seems every person who walks past our house (very active community) feels compelled to mention to either my wife or myself how sad they are to see that the fountain is gone, as well as missing the birds. One woman was even pretty offensive about it, saying what a shame it was that we don’t value wildlife.

We do value wildlife— just not on our windshields. We also plan to put up a couple of bluebird boxes on the posts of the fence that encloses our backyard.

Any good comebacks for the people who go out of their way to accost us? We want to be good neighbors, but we also are fed up with having to defend ourselves every time we are outside.

Thanks, Aunty Pam!

 

Mort and Jeanie

 

Dear Mort and Jeanie,

Oh, my, yes. Aunty Pam is rubbing her paws with giddy anticipation as humor— especially audacious humor—is ever so useful in moments like these. Plus, you get the joy of starting wicked rumors, which you can track to see how quickly they infuse the entire community.

The next time you encounter a busybody who says, ‘What a shame you took away the fountain and the bird houses,’ smile broadly and reply, ‘I’m afraid they had to go because we need the space for the big Ax Throwing Targets we’re having installed. We’re having the whole front yard paved for extra parking, so please feel free to join us!’

 

You’re welcome!

Aunty Pam