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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

I’m a 69-year-old widowed woman who has been dating a really nice fellow for about ten months. Jerry is fully committed to our relationship, which is great, but the problem is that he wants us to marry, and I don’t.

Aunty Pam, I was married for 43 years before my husband passed away, and to be perfectly honest, our marriage was not a happy one for years. When ‘Bill’ developed colon cancer (he refused to get a colonoscopy for years until it was too late), I stayed with him till the end, and let me tell you, it was all very difficult.

After his death, I reconnected with girlfriends I hadn’t seen in decades, and most of us are either divorced or widowed. We have a ball together and it’s wonderful to be able to support each other and get together frequently. I just know that if I marry Jerry, I’ll be giving up the social life I have with my friends, and I also worry I’ll end up cooking and cleaning for another man because he’s pretty old-fashioned. He has lovely manners and treats me well, but he has a pretty conservative notion about the roles a husband and wife should have. I tried to float the idea of us continuing as we are because it’s nice to have a male companion and a bit of romance, but he’s made it pretty clear that’s not enough for him. He has said more than once that he’s beginning to doubt if I really do love him.

I feel stuck! What should I do??

 

Signed,

Tilly

 

Dear Tilly,

 

“He has a pretty conservative notion,” “He’s made it pretty clear that it’s not enough for him,” “He said he’s beginning to doubt if I really do love him…”

Woman, have you never heard the saying, ‘When someone tells you who they are, listen’??  Jerry is using a megaphone! I’m sure he has some very nice qualities, otherwise you wouldn’t be seeing him, but those three sentences reek of manipulation and control. And here’s the deal: ten months is not long enough to truly know a person well enough to marry. Yes, I know, older singles will say, ‘Time isn’t on my side,’ but Jumping Geriatrics, you have time! You’re 69, not 89.

Maybe you’re experiencing a bit of PTS from your former marriage; you certainly went through an awful lot. Do yourself and Jerry a favor by investigating counseling for yourself to help you figure out what you really want for the rest of your life and achieve the freedom of choosing without being coerced into it. Conversely, you have a bottle of wine and pow-wow with your girlfriends— they will certainly set you straight!

 

Cheers, dears!!

Aunty Pam