Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

Dear Aunty Pam,

 

I am getting married in three weeks. Everything’s been going pretty smoothly until my father texted me last night. A little backstory: My parents split up three years ago, and my father has a girlfriend who recently moved in with him. My mom has a new boyfriend, and to try to keep everybody happy, I invited everybody.

The problem is my dad just sprung on me that ‘Miranda’ has an emotional support pet and needs to bring it. It’s a snake!! He swears it’s very well-behaved, but I don’t want a snake at my wedding, Aunty Pam! I’ve already turned a blind eye to Miranda’s full-sleeve tattoos on both arms, but if she’s wearing a snake, my whole wedding is going to look like a freak show at a carnival. What can I do? Dad says if she leaves it at home, she might have an anxiety attack. I’m totally freaking out over all of this. HELP!!

 

Signed,

Abby

 

Dear Abby,

 

You poor thing, to be completely freaked out before your wedding…perhaps you need an emotional support mongoose. They realllly like snakes.

I’m sure Miranda is a lovely woman, but let’s get real: many people are terrified of snakes and have a real aversion to them. I have learned to respect and even appreciate black snakes and non-venomous varieties here on the farm, but that doesn’t mean I want to be sitting in a pew with one slithering around another guest’s shoulders. Neither would I want to dive into my dim sum and look up to see a flicking tongue. I survived the 80s— who needs that kind of flashback…

I think there is a way to handle this and that is for Miranda to bring her snake as long as he/she/non-binary is contained in a cardboard box with obvious holes for breathing. It can remain on the floor or in Miranda’s lap. And if anyone asks what’s in it, she’s to tell them it’s a puppy. Just make sure she hasn’t brought along any mice…

 

Cheers, dears!!

Aunty Pam