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I’m Just Saying

And so the New Year is upon us!

I find the idea of making resolutions to be deadly dull and not terribly effective. In fact, when I look back at the several I have made in past years, no pencil was needed to tick off which ones I’d managed to uphold:

A solemn vow to avoid refined sugar. Fail.

A refusal to listen to, or take part in, any sort of gossip. Fail.

A promise that if I can’t say anything nice, I won’t say anything at all. Epic fail, mostly because of Kim Kardashian and her never-ending photo shoots, especially the one involving the “selfie” and the thong bathing suit. I’m sorry, but she’s going to need a back-hoe to pull that thing off. Oops. Sorry. Fail.

A grim determination not to buy anything horse-related when a household expense is looming. Fail. Miserably.

Use the above attempted savings to pay for the new well pump instead of putting it on plastic. Fail, fail, fail.

I don’t care how long the wait in the line for the cash register, I will not, I repeat, I will not flip through that tabloid. Wait a minute, did Meghan and Camilla really have a cat fight in front of the Queen?! Fail.

A realization that, intellectually, a better word can always be chosen in a time of frustration and so a resolution to stop cussin.’ Fail. Dammit.

No matter how tempted, I will not, I repeat, I will not, engage in any political Facebook postings. All together now: Faiiiiiil.

I will do my best to flex my faith muscle, and whenever I am scared or anxious about anything, I resolve to simply “Let go and let God.” Why am I waking up with this cramp in my calf? What is it? What if it’s a blood clot and might travel up to my heart, any moment, and kill me? Fail!!

It doesn’t matter how cute it is, I am not taking in any more cats in this house! (Will type in “fail,” after I get back from the vet’s.)

Now, no fooling, this is the year I will make a concerted effort to learn to cook and even bake! Ah, hahahahahahahahahaha! Gasp, cough, wait a minute — ahhh hahahahahaha! Fail.

No more Dollar Store chardonnay. Nobody’s that hard up. Sigh. Fail.

It’s important to look for any opportunity for exercise, so I will only park in faraway spots in the grocery store parking lot, obliging me to walk more. Are you kidding? In South Carolina in August? After cleaning stalls and unloading a truckful of hay? That is so not happening. In fact, if needed, I’ll stick one of the terriers in a “onesie” and try to sneak into “This Space Reserved for New Mothers!” spot near the front door. FAIL.

So you see, gentle reader, it’s just not worth it to make resolutions. But I know you’ll keep trying – most of you have far more fortitude than I have, and so I will wave to you and give you an encouraging “thumbs up” when I pass you all, out jogging with great determination, Jan. 1. And 3rd.

And wonder what happened to you on the 5th.

By Pam Stone