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As the holidays wind to a close, Americans can exhale, loosen their belts a hole (or three), and curb their anxiety around porch pirates— those unspeakables who steal delivered boxes of goods before the rightful owner can retrieve them. This year, their dirty deeds resulted in many gifts not being given or received. Thieves made away with anything Amazon could have delivered: plasma TVs, toys, clothing…

In the UK, however, an act by brazen thieves sent a cold chill down my spine, and I can only hope this sort of thuggery isn’t copied on our side of the pond. Brace yourself: These louts made off with a lorry (truck) carrying 400 kegs of Guinness stout.

400!!

Four hundred 50-litre kegs. Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.

For those of you proficient in math (and still sober), quick, how many pints is that? Quite right: just over 35,000 of the creamy black stuff. Reading further about this caper in The Guardian, I quickly realized how different Americans are from our UK neighbors. Especially southerners. It’s a well-known fact that the merest hint of snow means we stock up on bread, milk, and, if it’s a pandemic, toilet paper. We begin stockpiling, tensely guarding our hoard. Frankly, I never understood the run on toilet paper during Covid. Especially if one has got enough Sunbeam bread on hand. ‘Nuff said.

The Brits, however, went nuts at the thought of not being able to have their tipple to toast the holidays, and pubs have been forced to ration pints. Grocery stores have run dry as customers began stockpiling. Desperate calls to Ireland for more supply have been made. 

Sure, there are other ales and stouts to drink, but none of them are Guinness. Suggest Budweiser and you’ll be accused of being sarcastic. To put it in a Southern perspective, imagine going to your favorite meat-and-three and being told, ‘No, I’m sorry, we have no sweet tea.’ Well, you can imagine the look of horror and pearl clutching by customers: ‘What do you mean, no sweet tea? What else are we supposed to drink? I don’t care if you DO have Coke and Pepsi. I want sweet tea! I need sweet tea! All I have EVER drank is sweet tea!’

Now, just imagine getting hammered from drinking two sweet teas.

Then you get the picture.