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By Diane Nelson

As another school year begins, teen dating is a rite of passage into adulthood for many. When venturing into this arena, many adolescents repeat the unhealthy behaviors they’ve seen. In the next few weeks, Steps to Hope will illuminate the ways we can help our youth make relationship choices that “nurture” rather than “damage.”

The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines domestic violence (also IPV – Intimate Partner Violence) as a “pattern of behaviors (physical, emotional, sexual, financial) used by one partner to maintain power/control over another in an intimate relationship.” It crosses all lines and affects everyone. But the pressure on teens these days – from vaping to dating (and all that entails) is overwhelming!  

A mother once discussed her daughter and the daughter’s boyfriend. The mom was worried about how the boyfriend interfered with family gatherings, followed the daughter around, called her often, and questioned her whereabouts. He opined on how she dressed, where she went, and who she was hanging out with. Over time, the daughter’s grades began to slip; she spent alone time in her room, refused invitations to “hang out” with friends, and opted out of shopping. She quit all her favorite activities to be with him exclusively.

LoveIsRespect.org, a website dedicated to teen dating, reports that one in three teens will experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse from a dating partner before the age of 18 – a staggering statistic. We know it’s happening…how do we help them navigate this? They need tools to manage “adulting” to become strong grown-ups. 

The most important thing we can do is listen to them. If they come to talk, turn off the phone, be 100% present, block out all the distractions, and then affirm they have been heard. Ask gentle questions, engage in conversation, accept what the teen is telling you, ask if they want you to listen—or offer suggestions… and wait for the answer. This is how to build trust.  

Focus on behavior, not the person. This is an opportunity to teach, “Is this behavior okay or not?” 

Once the teen acknowledges the behavior as problematic, the conversation can advance to possible solutions. The teen may ask to rehearse what to say during a “relationship” conversation. The objective is to build trust and preserve the relationship with the child. They need your support no matter what. You are on their side.

In the next article, we will discuss prevention, education, and resources. For more information or to seek help, contact Steps to Hope, a domestic violence and sexual assault center serving Polk County and the Upstate.