The new me
I used to think I was just a regular guy, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or now, makes me a racist and responsible for slavery.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards makes me a fascist because I plan to support myself.
I went to high school, worked through college, got a degree and have held a job and am here not because I earned it, but because I was advantaged.
I am heterosexual, which, according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the Second Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast NRA gun lobby.
I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man who doesn’t understand Facebook.
I think and reason and therefore I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes a me a right-wing, cop-loving extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe that our system guarantees of freedom of effort — not freedom of outcome or subsidies, which must make me a borderline sociopath.
I believe in defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
I am proud of our flag, what it stands for and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand and salute during our National Anthem, which takes me back to where I started — I must be a racist.
Please help my come to terms with the new me… because I’m just not sure who I am anymore.
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, newfound changes in my life and thinking.
I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly.
And if all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom.
Lennie Rizzo, Columbus