Noah’s ark is missing a key ingredient in this epic biblical story.
In fact, whoever is responsible for coming up with the story of a man named Noah who collected all the animals aboard an ark to escape impending doom probably was given the wrong information about the people involved.
Having a bunch of youngsters gather your animals is a must in any “animal recovery” project. Yes, Noah must have had some young whipper snappers trying to lead those animals on the ark; for entertainment’s sake if nothing else.
This is a working hypothesis of mine, so at this time there may be some flaws in the theory. I realize Noah’s ark was supposed to hold two of every animal in the world.
This theory I have strummed up is based on only three animals. Three because those are the animals I witnessed first-hand. Any more than three and my hypothesis can get a little time-consuming. Let’s keep it simple.
This personal study of mine was done at the Green Creek Heritage Festival. Several very nice farm animals were on hand. I love farm animals; and, of course, the smell of manure.
These three animals in my study, running amok, is a sight to see.
There is little consideration for themselves, the little people who are taking care of them or any other people for that matter. It’s definitely all about them. They want what they want and there is nothing you can do to change that.
The three animals in question were baby goats, pigs and cows. The hands trying to guide them were those of young Polk County 4H-ers, two of whom belonged to yours truly.
My son was in charge of goat number one, and my daughter had number two – Cookies ‘N Cream and Jenny, respectively.  Neither of which answer to those names, so why bother, I ask myself.
First came the young cows, or baby calves, as they prefer to be called. These animals seemed to be very easy to lead around the ring, compared to what was to come after them.
The calves moseyed around the ring in seemingly orderly fashion. Not at extreme ease, but easy enough that I think I may actually be able to walk a calf one day. Emphasis on “I think.”
Second came the pigs.
If you’ve ever been walking, strolling along, minding your own business and suddenly hear a blood-curdling scream come out of nowhere, and it sounds like it’s coming to eat you alive, you would only begin to know what us onlookers experienced with these “three little pigs.”
One of the three apparently had some anger and/or control issues and didn’t like the fact that someone was trying to walk it around.
I really think I saw people’s hair stand up on end when little pig came into the ring. I’ll hand it to the young man who secured him – the pig finally heeled. I think the other two pigs actually talked some sense into him and all was well in piggy land again.
Last were the goats, and my own two kids leading them. The goats would rather lay down in the ring and practically be dragged across the dirt than be walked around.
There was a distinct pattern: pull, kneel down, pull, stand up, pull, kneel down, and the cycle continued. Once again the children knew how to handle them. Even after my daughter was batted to the ground by Jenny, she popped back up and continued the routine.
Back to my hypothesis: kids helping lead the animals into Noah’s ark. I fully believe that grownups would have thrown in the proverbial towel. I can hear what they would say.
“You want to run off? Go right ahead. The boat will be lighter without you in it anyway. Who’s next?”
Noah’s ark would have been filled with every breed of man’s best friend (dogs), a few red ants (you can’t ever get rid of those guys) and some fireflies (those are easy to catch).
That’s why we need kids. They have the patience, the endurance, and the tenacity to just maybe pull off the biggest animal heist in world history. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

Chris Jakubowicz lives in Tryon with his wife and children. His bi-weekly column will focus on how he and his family are trying to get back to their grassroots. Jakubowicz can be reached by e-mail at cjak32@gmail.com.