What just happened? Did that just happen? I don’t understand what’s happening. What have I done wrong? I will try to be a better wife, girlfriend, lover. Who will believe me? These are just a few of the thoughts that run through the frantic mind of someone who is a victim of domestic abuse.

It is a silent epidemic. Why? Because most victims are women (1 in 4 women) and they are afraid to speak up because they believe they are responsible for what is happening to them. They believe that the person controlling them can take their children, financial security, family and friends, and their life.

The many who don’t understand the nature of abuse believe that the woman can just walk away. They do not understand and judge the ones who return to their abuser. It is a clinical fact that women (and men) in abusive relationships have formed what is called a trauma bond, and it is one of the hardest emotional bonds to break.

A common myth surrounding domestic abuse is that it is a physical act such as pushing, hitting, slapping, choking or kicking. While unfortunately this can be one of the most serious and dangerous parts of the relationship, there are other characteristics of DV. Most victims believe that they are not in a domestic abuse situation because they are not being physically touched…yet.

There are several different types of abuse:

Physical abuse. This is the use of physical force against another person to inflict injury, or to put the person at risk of becoming injured.

Emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is almost like brain washing in that it is done to wear away at a victim’s self-confidence. It can be verbal abuse, such as your partner repeatedly criticizing, intimidating or belittling you.

Sexual abuse. This abuse often occurs in tandem with physical abuse. It involves forcing or coercing a victim to do something sexually, which can range from unwanted kissing or touching to rape. 

Financial abuse. This type of abuse involves stealing or withholding money from the victim, or using the victim’s name and personal information to accrue debt. The victim may feel financially dependent on their partner.

Domestic abuse isn’t always visible. There may be no outward signs of abuse, no visits to the ER—but violence can still be occurring. It’s important for victims of domestic abuse to understand that just because someone doesn’t leave a bruise, it doesn’t mean abuse didn’t occur.

Most victims have been beaten down physically, emotionally and psychologically and believe they are at fault. They protect themselves from feeling vulnerable by telling themselves the fairy tale that, “This could never happen to me…. it only happens to women who are weak or who had difficult childhoods, or whatever.” 

Again, the victim is never responsible for the situation she is experiencing. She needs help and support to understand the danger and cycle of abuse.

Where can you get help? There is help available at local ERs and domestic abuse shelters. We are fortunate to have Steps to HOPE located in Columbus, N.C. It’s a place of safety, support and many of the services you need. 

If you are someone or know someone who may be in a domestic abuse situation please contact Steps to HOPE at 828-894-2340 or go to the website at www.StepsToHope.org. Anne Moss is a board member at Steps to HOPE.

written by Anne Moss