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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

I need help! Mother’s Day is coming up, and I’m dreading it because my family likes to take my sweet, 82-year-old mama out to brunch. Everybody in our community loves Mama, and she is very devout and never drinks any alcohol. But every year, my siblings think it’s really funny to take her to a local restaurant that does a special Mother’s Day buffet with a free mimosa. 

What happens is my mama not only gets drunk, she gets mean. Last time she made our waitress cry because she told her she was wearing too much makeup and looked like the Whore of Babylon. I had to apologize to the waitress and give her an extra big tip.

How can I stop this from happening? My brothers already made reservations at the same place!

 

Signed,

Doomed daughter

 

Dear DD,

 

Well, the obvious answer is to keep the bottle away from your sweet mama. Alcohol affects everyone differently, especially in the middle of the day. Plus, for mimosas, restaurants notoriously use the cheapest possible champagne, which would probably turn Aunty Pam into an ugly drunk before I even sampled it. Maybe Mama would do better with a shot of Jäegermeister?

In all seriousness, either phone ahead or try to arrive before the rest of the gang, who seemingly enjoy watching their mama turn into Charles Bukowski, and speak with both the restaurant management and your table’s server that under no circumstances can she have any booze. They can always add a shot of club soda to the orange juice to create bubbles and give it a bit of festivity.

 

Cheers, dears!!

Aunty Pam