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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

What is wrong with people? My husband and I went to bring his mother dinner because she hasn’t been feeling well. While my husband was visiting with her in the den (all she does is sit around the house and watch TV), I saw that the kitchen was pretty dirty and decided to give it a good scrub down, thinking it would brighten her day and lift her spirits. The rings on the stove top were all crusty and nasty, the countertop was sticky, and the drawer handles felt like they had layers of dried grease coated on them. It took me a solid hour of scrubbing, but when I was done, the kitchen was spotless and shiny.

You would have thought I’d shot her dog the way she acted when she came in. She didn’t even say thank you! She just kept saying things like, “Now I don’t know where anything is” and “Why did you wipe down the toaster? Now it’s gonna smell like bleach!”

I was hurt at first and now really angry. My husband just stood there like a big lug and didn’t even defend me. I told her I’d never help her out again, and I’m still not talking to my husband. Did I overreact?

 

Signed,

Spitting Nails

 

Dear Spit,

 

Well, maybe a tad.

Here’s what drizzled through my Libra (we’re all about being even keeled) brain which is completely devoid of any mental health training: from what little you describe (“all she does is sit around the house and watch TV”), it sounds as though your MIL leads a rather insular life. 

It may be that with age, her world has grown smaller—this is quite common— in that she finds comfort alone within her own four walls. 

While sometimes this can be a symptom of depression, even dementia, it is also a symptom of an older person who has been there and done that and simply enjoys solitude. And as Aunty Pam would rather pass a kidney stone the size of a Rubik’s Cube than attend a cocktail party, I heartily empathize with her. However, if she is experiencing any of the first two possibilities I mentioned, it’s important to remember that when one’s world gets smaller, then order and control of one’s own surroundings can become enormously important. It might also be possible that your MIL was embarrassed by the state of her kitchen and that she had let it get to the point that someone needed to pressure wash the whole thing.

So while your gesture was well intentioned and kind (if not perhaps a touch controlling), I’m going to carefully say, Yep, you should have asked. A simple, “Is there anything I can do for you while you’re recovering? Would you like a little help with the cooking/cleaning/emptying the trash?”

You’re a good egg, and the living example that no good deed goes unpunished.

 

Cheers, dears!!

Aunty Pam