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As usual, I’m the last person to know anything. 

I suppose I can place blame on the fact that I reside in a state in which snow is so rare that when it actually occurs, I’m channeling Scout Finch as she looked fearfully out her bedroom window and summoned her half-shaven father from the bathroom while shrieking, “The world’s ending,’ Atticus!” Meaning that, like Scout, I’m always woefully unprepared for the arctic blasts that sweep through our region and never dressed warmly enough.

All that changed this past Christmas. Paul gave me what any woman who cares little for jewelry and is out the door at sparrow fart o’clock in the morning for barn chores: a brand new pair of insulated Dickies coveralls. Pure bliss! Deep pockets, insulated—could it get any better? It did! Because when the first icy snow storm had our farm in its crosshairs, a second gift from a friend was like an epiphany: a waterproof pair of insulated coveralls. 

“These are unbelievable!” I raved to anyone who’d listen as well as blathered about them on Facebook. “All I’m wearing underneath is a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and I’m as warm as toast!” 

Even trudging into 15 mph winds on a brittle morning in the low teens was completely comfortable. An idea began to form in my head that perhaps I could set up a crowd funding page dedicated to buying dozens of these coveralls for our neighbors still struggling in Western North Carolina. I’d never been kept so warm, I exclaimed. Everyone needed to know about these waterproof coveralls. They were like wearing a sleeping bag with sleeves and legs.

The incredulous replies came quickly.

“You Muldoon,” said one ‘friend’ on Facebook. “Of course we know about snow suits! How do you think we’ve survived Vermont winters for the last twenty five years?”

“Seriously, you’ve never worn these before? Where have you been?”

I could actually visualize the eye roll of a third who chimed in to add, “Yeah, you can wear them to stay warm when you go return your video of Footloose to Blockbusters, Pam. Sheesh. Move with the times!”

Well, I thought, how would I have a working knowledge of snowsuits in Upstate South Carolina? Now, I can tell you a hundred different ways to stay cool during scorching, humid summers, including nifty, frozen scarf-like affairs that keep your neck chilled. I can even show you the best way to deliver a fatal blow to a horse fly just when it’s about to take a chomp out of your arm, as well as how to recognize the first signs of heat exhaustion.

Snow gear? Not so much. We’ve not even used our sled since the freak white Christmas of 2010. And even then the runner hit a rock and and never got up to any steam. Oh, well, first-world problems, right?

In the meantime, there’s a movie I’m going to stream later tonight that I think might be brand new. It’s called ‘Finding Nemo.’ I’ll tell you all about it next week!