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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

Quick question: Am I being rude by asking my mother to turn off the TV when I come over to visit her? I try to see her once a week, and it’s a 3-hour round trip for me. When I get to her house, she’s always got at least two TVs on, and it’s difficult for me to hear her and focus on what she’s saying. Plus, I think it’s rude because her eyes keep looking at the TV set when I’m trying to talk to her.

I asked her to please turn them off when I’m over, but she said, ‘Oh, they don’t really bother you, do they?’ Then she’d turn down the volume but keep glancing at them. I’m really fed up with this because I feel like she doesn’t care that I’ve pretty much given up my whole day to see her. She doesn’t drive anymore, so I’m the one who has to make the trip.

Am I being unreasonable?

 

Annoyed

 

Dear Annoyed,

 

As we know, while Aunty Pam is a wealth of pithy remarks, she has zero qualifications as a mental health professional. Having said that, the two times I’ve encountered this same behavior, both people suffered from chronic anxiety. It left me with the *feeling* (and remember, feelings aren’t facts) that both people found having their TVs on all day and much of the night gave them comfort and reassurance. Both people were also older and lived alone.

I don’t know from your letter if your mother is elderly, and if she is, it’s important to be aware that depression is very common in the elderly. And that can present in all sorts of different ways—even what might be mistaken for dementia. Perhaps it’s time for your mother to have a medical checkup to make sure she’s healthy in both body/mind.

Do you have siblings with whom you can pow-wow to stage a sort of ‘Turn off the damn TVs, Mom, it’s rude’ intervention? If not, all I can offer is to try and see if you can get her out of the house and take her out to lunch or coffee/dessert.

In the end, I feel for you: a 3-hour round trip each week is the sign of a dutiful daughter who is going above and beyond to maintain what feels like quite a one-sided relationship. You’re not being unreasonable at all. Nor would it be unreasonable for you to eat a quart of Ben and Jerry’s and chase it with bourbon when you return home.

 

Cheers, dears!!

Aunty Pam