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As much as I was prepared for the 2:20 p.m. FEMA and FCC emergency Alert System for my cellphone (as well as radio and television), it didn’t prevent my head flying through the sunroof of my truck when it went off. 

It should be said that prior to this test, my truck didn’t have a sunroof.

Yes, it was a test, only a test, for FEMA’s Integrated Public Alert and Warning System, or IPAWS for short, which I find to be a charming abbreviation as it reminds me of puppies, but make no mistake about it— IPAWS is serious business. Overseen by FEMA, it allows authorities to disseminate verified emergency messages to the public across all the different communication networks and is made up of three alert categories: Presidential, Amber and Imminent Threat. An example would be your local emergency management authority alerting you of a wildfire or amissing child. IPAWS would also be responsible for letting us know of an incoming nuclear attack. 

Imagine getting that text while sitting through the drive-thru at Bojangles.

I give you all this information because as soon as the heads-up for the alert was released in accordance with legislation enacted in 2015 mandating that IPAWS be tested every three years, conspiracy message boards across the country lit up with sinister theories. 

For example, in one video I saw online a woman said, “It’s not a test. It’s going to be sending these high frequency signals into cell phones, radios and TVs with the intention of activating nanoparticles, including graphene oxide.” 

Yes, in the world of the conspiracy theorists, the IPAWS tests are all about 5G Covid chip implant activation. 

That’s some kind of super technology, ain’t it? One shrill signal activating your body with billions of nanoparticles including that all important Covid vaccine ingredient graphene oxide.

Except for the fact that the Covid vaccine doesn’t contain graphene oxide. Regardless, the theorists suggest graphene oxide particles that the IPAWS test was created to release will somehow be absorbed not only in the bodies of billions of people, but will interact with wireless technology by (I love this part) “obvious means.” 

Such as? Anybody? Crickets… 

This of course means the government will be able to turn you into zombies and if they need more help, they’ll just make sure that Delta and Southwest dump more mind-controlling substances in their contrails as they criss-cross the globe. Honestly, I’m pretty sure you can get the same effect by eating a lot of pork rinds and binge watching Squid Game on Netflix.

I’m not saying for a moment that governments all over the world haven’t, or don’t currently engage in suppression of their citizens. But it’s pretty open and visible. North Korea has a huge military (because it’s the best way for a citizen to be able to count on actually eating) who will readily shoot you if you try to defect or will simply make you disappear should you publicly denounce Dear Leader. Facial recognition can track you down in China if you’re likewise vocal about your political unhappiness. Russia will wipe poison on your front door knob or grieve your ‘suicide’ from a 20 story balcony. Putin will, despite fears of assassination, however, allow you to own a hand gun after a federal test, safety class and background checks, as long as it’s stored at a shooting club. 

I simply don’t believe our own government has the organization, funding or wherewithal to pull off such a caper as sending an alert to your phone, TV and radio that’s going to somehow release nanoparticles throughout your body and turn you into something out of a scene from a horror movie, where your head is planted in a potato field and covered with a burlap sack. 

Seriously, it’s all we can do to have a functioning Congress!

Oh, wait…